How lucky am I??

Ok, so I’ve decided to keep the blog. He’s never going to read it again, has erased the address from his computer. I have had less than no time to write anything, but we did have quite a lovely Skype conversation the other day, which I’ll post here, word for word (names changed, obviously), just to show you all how lucky I am! He sure knows which buttons to push!

Secret Girl: are you joking, or do you mean it when you say i’m not allowed to say fuck?

My Guy: I mean it

Secret Girl: i can’t tell if you’re…
Secret Girl: ok

My Guy: you can write it
My Guy: but you can’t say it

Secret Girl: ok
Secret Girl: that makes me wet
Secret Girl: i’m such a weirdo!
Secret Girl:

My Guy: you’re not a weirdo

Secret Girl: i don’t mean it in a bad way
Secret Girl: i’m embracing my kink at the moment

My Guy: whatever

Secret Girl: whatever

My Guy: it’s great
My Guy: I’m glad
My Guy: you should

Secret Girl: good

My Guy: it turns me on too

Secret Girl: i will
Secret Girl: i’m glad
Secret Girl: i like that rule
Secret Girl: because it totally comes from you

My Guy: I know
My Guy: writing it doesn’t bother me
My Guy: but your saying it does
My Guy: it’s not something a nice young girl should say
My Guy: it’s something a man can say, even if he shouldn’t
My Guy: it’s ok that I say it
My Guy: but you’re a girl
My Guy: and you should act like one
My Guy: I don’t want you acting like a man
My Guy: I want a good, obedient girl
My Guy: who does what she’s told
My Guy: and listens
My Guy: and obeys
My Guy: someone who understands what she’s going to get if she doesn’t
My Guy: you understand that, if you say naughty words, you’re going to be disciplined
My Guy: and if you act up
My Guy: or talk back
My Guy: or say bad words
My Guy: you’re going to be disciplined
My Guy: and you know what that means
My Guy: you know
My Guy: that I’m going to put you over my knee
My Guy: and lift up your skirt
My Guy: and pull down your panties
My Guy: and I’m going to spank your bare bottom
My Guy: and I’m going to remind you why I’m doing it
My Guy: I’m going to scold you and tell you what you did wrong
My Guy: while I spank you
My Guy: and you’ll feel the shame of someone scolded
My Guy: the humiliation of someone with their panties pulled down
My Guy: someone put over the knee of the person who insisted you do not do these things
My Guy: and I’ll remind you who’s boss
My Guy: who’s in charge
My Guy: while you’re bent over my knee
My Guy: my right hand ringing down time after time over your bare, pink ass
My Guy: I’d tell you that I don’t want a bad girl in my house
My Guy: I want a good girl
My Guy: and honest girl
My Guy: one I can trust
My Guy: and one who submits to my wishes and rules
My Guy: you’d need to be reminded of that
My Guy: and my hand would do the reminding
My Guy: you’d feel the spanks on your behind
My Guy: you’d hear the sting too
My Guy: in my voice
My Guy: you’d hear me tell you what you did wrong
My Guy: and I’d make you repeat that you wouldn’t do it again
My Guy: you’d tell me you were sorry
My Guy: as my hand would continue to spank you
My Guy: sometimes I’d take a break
My Guy: and I’d rub the poor, spanked flesh of your behind
My Guy: I’d caress it gently
My Guy: I’d make it feel good
My Guy: but that would only be for a short while
My Guy: before long, my hand would raise up again
My Guy: high above you
My Guy: and you’d feel it when it came down

Secret Girl: even if i pleaded?

My Guy: even if you pleaded
My Guy: you’ve done that before
My Guy: it didn’t seem to help your behaviour
My Guy: you were still a bratty, insolent little girl
My Guy: there’s always a reason for me to put you over my knee
My Guy: in this case too
My Guy: you have called this upon yourself
My Guy: so I don’t really understand why pleading should get you any mercy
My Guy: you’re pleading because it hurts
My Guy: of course it hurts
My Guy: but you did this to yourself
My Guy: your own behaviour brought you to this place
My Guy: over my knee
My Guy: your own actions
My Guy: so, no, of course no pleading will make me stop
My Guy: you might think I’ll stop
My Guy: you might think so because I take breaks
My Guy: my caresses make you think it’s over
My Guy: that the price has been paid
My Guy: but it hasn’t
My Guy: you still owe for what got you there in the first place
My Guy: your ass is red now
My Guy: and I’m spanking it some more
My Guy: and your whimpers become more serious
My Guy: your pleading too
My Guy: and I remind you of your offence
My Guy: and I remind you that you’ve also said before that you’d not do it
My Guy: and I’d spank you
My Guy: and spank you some more
My Guy: finally, I’d soften up a bit
My Guy: but keep spanking you steadily
My Guy: softer yet somehow heavier
My Guy: more a thud than a slap
My Guy: you’d feel my hand sink in deeper
My Guy: into your skin
My Guy: into your buttocks
My Guy: I’d take a leather belt now

Secret Girl: no

My Guy: and use it on you
My Guy: I’d use it over your buttocks
My Guy: and remind you that it was you who put you here
My Guy: while the leather curled over your buttocks
My Guy: always hitting your right side more than your left
My Guy: you’d so want me to even it up
My Guy: but I wouldn’t
My Guy: I’m not going to let you off my knee
My Guy: I’m keeping you there for the duration of this discipline
My Guy: you’d feel the leather for a long time
My Guy: lashing over your buttocks
My Guy: leaving tiny, long, straight welts
My Guy: on your red skin
My Guy: finally I’d stop and caress you again
My Guy: I’d ask you, “do you understand why this happened today, young lady?”
My Guy: you’d whimper and say, quietly, “yes.”
My Guy: I’d tell you that I couldn’t hear you
My Guy: you’d manage to say it only the slightest bit louder
My Guy: and I’d ask you, “do you promise to improve in the future?”
My Guy: and you’d give me a timid “yes.”
My Guy: and I’d ask you to say it like you mean it
My Guy: and you’d say it slightly louder
My Guy: and I’d get you to straighten up
My Guy: and you’d stay on your knees in front of me
My Guy: your panties would still be down
My Guy: your skirt would fall slightly over your ass but wouldn’t quite cover it up
My Guy: and you’d put your arms around me
My Guy: and place your head on my lap
My Guy: and hold me
My Guy: and my arms would fold over you
My Guy: and around you
My Guy: they’d reach for your reddened ass
My Guy: pat it through your skirt
My Guy: the sting will have subsided but you will be very aware for some time what happened here
My Guy: and we’d stay like this for quite a while

Ideas?

So, I am stumped. I think the only way I can continue to blog is to start a new one. If I continue writing here, there’s the risk that temptation will be too much and my guy will take a peek. We both know that’s not a good idea, but, hey, he’s human. And I want to be able to write freely.

So what do I do? Set up a new blog, I guess. And then just leave a post here telling people to email me for the address to the new blog? Seems complicated, but I don’t think there’s any other solution. However, if any of the brilliant minds out there in cyberspace have a different solution, I’m all ears!

STOP: no Tops allowed (it’s for your own good!)

Hi All,

I’ve probably lost my few readers after such a long absence, but I needed to take a break. I stupidly (dumb dumb dumb!!!) gave my guy the link to this blog. Big mistake! Much drama ensued! Feelings were hurt, egos were bruised; let’s just say that giving him access to my own “dear-diary” style of raw honesty was ill-advised. I shouldn’t have told him about it and he shouldn’t have asked to read it. So I’ve taken a bit of a break. And then I told him I’d try to set up a new blog, or change the name of this one, so that, even if he was tempted, he wouldn’t have access to it. This lets me continue to express myself without self-censoring, and keeps him from having to read anything that might hurt him.

More later- not sure if I’ll be starting a new blog or find some other way of preventing him from seeing this one, but stay tuned for more info.

:-S

Baby steps

So I’ve been spending a fair amount of time with my guy lately, which is a treat for us since we usually have much longer stretches of time apart. It’s been tiring doing all the flying, but only my work schedule allows for it at the moment, so… c’est la vie! No matter how short the flight, the door to door process, when airports are involved, is laborious. 5 hours minimum. But he’s worth it.

I’ll even see him again in 10 days already, so our recent partings have not been the emotional affairs they have been in the past. It feels good. It also has allowed us to relax a bit and settle in, not feel the need to make every visit momentous: full of romance, athletic sex, kodak moments. We’ve enjoyed just eating breakfast together, watching tv in bed etc.

This is probably no surprise to anyone reading, but nothing much has changed in our dynamic since our recent discussions regarding dominance and ttwd. I know I’m not really surprised. One of the great things about all of the blogs out there is that I can get a sense of some of the typical aspects of a journey like this one. Of course the details are different, and the relationships completely unique, but similar challenges occur when a spanko woman and vanilla man get together and try to incorporate ttwd into their lives in a way that feels good to both of them.

That being said, there are baby steps being made. That maybe sounds patronizing? (I always imagine him discovering this blog and his reactions to it!) Progress is being made, in incremental ways, and that’s probably as it should be. Sometimes I feel like I have to “remind” him of things. And he’s super-sensitive to feeling manipulated. Fair enough- I don’t want to do that to him. But the other day, he was being his usual generous and vigorous self, spanking away with not inconsiderable strength, and I was finding it hard for some reason. He let up a bit, but decided to wrap things up, as he sometimes does, with a set of hard ones. But, despite my being pretty damn clear on this, he still phrased it as a question! I don’t want to decide! Gr. Anyway. He said something like “20 hard ones?” I was in some kind of semi-submissive space, and I think I said ok, or nodded. He let one land and OUCH! It just hurt. I knew I could probably take 20 of them, but I kind of didn’t want to! I hadn’t done anything to deserve it, after all. So I said “can I change my answer? Let’s renegotiate!”? This, I confess, was a bit of manipulation, but I was feeling frustrated. By saying this, I knew I’d get something out of it one way or the other: either he’d be softer and I’d get out of the 20 hard ones, or a light-bulb would go on and he’d see the word “negotiate” for the red flag I intended it to be. Happily, he saw the red flag. I actually felt his “aha”! He chuckled and said “No. It wasn’t really a question anyway.” Thank you! No asking the spankee how/if she wants this to go. So I had to take my 20 hard ones, but it was a little moment of reaffirming a basic tenet of ttwd for him, which we did without my having to be all teach-y about it.

But as for this spanking, and most of my spankings lately, I have to say: they are not light and sexy. He seems to intend them to be erotic? Or maybe not erotic, per se, but they are just because I like spanking… physical sensation/stress relief/erotic. They are firm and forceful and they are always uncomfortable, always hurt (never beyond my limit, though! I trust him completely!) Anyway, this time I must have been sensitive, because it just plain hurt more, and I was hit with the conundrum I have faced before… if this spanking was only for my pleasure, shouldn’t it be pleasurable? The kind that send zings into that nerve (whatever it’s called) and feel firm but wonderful? Why was I participating in something that just sort of hurt? It wasn’t real punishment, it wasn’t role-play punishment, it didn’t seem to be some kind of maintenance or an assertion of his dominance/authority. I was pretty sure he was doing it simply because “that’s what I like”. And he’s quite determined when he decides he’s going to spank me. And he does it usually once a day when we’re together (to hold me for all the time we spend apart- he’s generous.) He decides it’s going to happen, he closes the windows, pulls the shades, takes my hand and pulls me into the bedroom (always the bedroom!) So he’s got the “I’m in charge” vibe going quite well. And he’s learned the physical dominance bit (pinning my hands, sometimes legs, continuing despite occasional protests etc). But he rarely says anything. Sigh. So what we end up with is a fairly intense (and painful/uncomfortable) physical interaction: my being restrained once it starts to hurt, him spanking with full abandon until he feels it’s done, an effort having been made to make my bottom quite red. But for all the physical power-play that’s involved, it’s still lacking, for me, the more potent eroticism of the psychological power-play. And that’s hard to explain. To myself, and definitely to him. And we’re at the point where I feel like I can’t really resist much, can’t initiate a power-play by resisting, because it’ll go pear-shaped. I know he doesn’t mind being the one to initiate by pulling me into the bedroom, but he’d be flummoxed by an outright refusal/chase. He’d just think I didn’t want it and give up. He’s more than capable of overpowering me, and he’s very fit. But a total drag-out, forcing me over his lap thing would not happen, nor anything even more forceful than pulling me by hand/wrist. I have always lain willingly across his lap or assumed a position he has requested. And that’s fine sometimes. But it immediately lends an air of “requesting the spanking” to the proceedings, to go so willingly. He wouldn’t know what to do with a verbal refusal, either. A “no, I don’t want you to spank me” would be met with maybe one “too bad, come on” but if I didn’t acquiesce immediately, he’d be more inclined to say “why not?” or “what’s up?” than to be more dominant physically OR verbally. And, actually, upon writing all this out, I realize it IS more the verbal that would be the turn on. I don’t need him to club me over the head or toss me over his shoulder when I resist. That IS a bit extreme. But insisting verbally would be nice… Well, we’ll figure it out, I’m sure.

I said in an earlier post that I don’t think I’m actually looking for real punishment. Actually earning a punishment spanking- if we had agreed it was on the table, which it is not (yet?)- would mean something negative had occurred that was bad for me or for us. So, no, that’s not something to desire… Possibly I’d like the feeling that he’d be WILLING to do that if necessary, but I would hope not to be in need of such correction very often. Anyway, I feel like we’re not at the point of considering that yet. That’s like skipping quite a few steps in this journey. But I still want a shift in power when he spanks me. Mental power. He doesn’t need to punish me to provide that feeling of submission, of being overwhelmed by him. We don’t even need to role-play. I’d just like more verbal interaction, at least to start. I have to give him credit- he tried a little bit this last time. He made some comments about how I looked, how my ass was so nice and red. And round (what can I say, he’s a fan, thank heavens!). Usually he’s almost completely silent. He also said, unexpectedly, that he wished he had a paddle. Specifically a round one (like a hairbrush maybe?) He said he’d like to see disappearing, round, red paddle marks as he spanked me. Nice. I mean, ouch, but nice that he’s going off on his own thoughts, his own desires! It was purely erotic, but at least it opened the door for talking and I really appreciate his effort. I’d welcome more of that right now. Purely erotic, but dominant. I’d like to be verbally reminded that he’s in charge in that moment, that he decides what happens to my body and my ass, he decides when I get spanked and for how long and how hard. I’d like him to talk to me about how it looks, how he knows I need it (doesn’t have to tell me I deserve it, no role-play required!). I also tried to tell him once that he could require more of me: moving my hands out of the way, maintaining a position… that sort of thing. He just pins my hands or puts me back into whatever position he wants, without a word, but I’d love it if he’d require more of me, demand more verbally… that would be sexy, and a way to be verbal without role-playing. I once told him I’d like to be told those things, and at first, being the nice guy he is, he said it was ok, because he remembered that 1) I had told him I couldn’t help moving when it hurt and 2) that I liked to be restrained (true!) so, no, of course he wouldn’t verbally demand that I move my own hands or get back into position; he’d do it for me. I explained that demanding those things would be hot and he seemed to understand, but I think he’s forgotten. Sigh. Should I tell him again? He doesn’t want a script, he doesn’t want to feel manipulated or told what to do, but I do feel I have to find some way to tell him my desires, without making him defensive.

It’s hard to write a script, but maybe I should. Not to give to him, obviously,  but to admit to myself exactly what I’d like to hear. Maybe some of his confusion stems from my own inability to admit even to myself the words I’d like to hear… food for thought.

Ok, long enough! Hope I haven’t been too long-winded!! I needed to write that out!

It’s a blog day!

Finally have some time to–  guilt-free — relax and write a blog entry. Will be nice and feels overdue. I slept in til NOON today. Ahhhhh- I so needed that (I know, working mothers everywhere are hating me right now… sorry!) But first, I need to eat something and tidy this place up- I can’t write in a pigsty. More soon!

OMG! 376 views?

I just had a quick look at my blog stats, since a few people have made comments and invited friends to check it out. The first few days it was just ME looking and the views each day were something like, 2, 1, 3, 2… but yesterday was 376! Yikes. It’s good, I guess…? My purpose wasn’t really to get a lot of people reading my blog, just to reach out and feel some connection to others who feel the same way I do…

Anyway, that’s neither here nor there.

I’m back from a quick visit to my sweetie. We’re both on the road at the moment, away from home as usual, but he’s in the phase of his work where he’s busy almost every day, and I have more time to go back and forth over the next couple of weeks. It had been 3 weeks since we’d seen each other- not bad. Once, last year, we went 9 weeks between visits (simply couldn’t be avoided) and I thought I would go crazy! We’re able to plan ahead now and try to minimize those times.

It was a good visit. I had a very early flight to maximize our time together and so was pretty dozy all day, not having had enough sleep. But it was his day off, so we were both happy to be a little lazy. He gave me a nice spanking- only erotic, but it felt good and we both enjoyed it. I had half hoped, after our recent conversations, he might be a bit firm, or talk a little bit, verbally define the spanking in some way (he rarely talks- is paralyzed by the sense that he has to say the “right thing” and he doesn’t know the “right thing”)… It would have been lovely if he had used it as a way of launching us forward, cementing our roles a little bit. Not punishment, just slate clearing. Does that make sense? But I didn’t get my hopes up as we’ve been here a few times before (agreed to try a more D/s feeling in our daily lives… and then stalled) and so I wasn’t too bothered or surprised when that didn’t happen. At some point he asked me if I’d had enough, needed more… I wish he wouldn’t ask that. I’ve tried many ways to explain that I don’t like asking for it, that it takes so much away from it, for me, to feel like I am controlling it. Afterwards, I told him so, gently, and he said ok. I tried to keep it light and succinct, as I think too much info is overwhelming. I just said: “Can I ask a favour?” (yes) “Promise you won’t get upset?” (yes) “From now on, can you be the one who decides how much is enough? I don’t like having that power.” (ok). Done. I think he remembered- we’ve had that talk before- I didn’t feel like I needed to explain further. But I do hope, if it’s mentioned enough times, it will stick.

I have been trying to be more receptive to any demonstration of control or dominance he displays. On Saturday, I was at loose ends, which always depresses me when I’m away from home. I feel the lack of “being at home” all the more on a day off. He’s much better at this aspect of our careers and so he stepped in and said that I was to use the day to accomplish some stuff. Yes, go out and get some sun, do a little shopping, but then come back and do 2 hours of book-keeping that was overdue and 1 hour on another project. I left the apt with a skip in my step; I felt positive, supported, happy to know he was helping me- an AMAZING difference to how I usually feel on those days off (depressed and totally unproductive). The buoyancy faded a tiny bit when he didn’t really follow-through afterward (he did ask “Did you do your work?” but my “yes” didn’t prompt any follow-up, which would have been nice… “Did you do the full 2 hours?” “What work did you do on the other project?” But it’s progress, don’t get me wrong, and I really appreciate it!!) Another example: the night before my flight he told me to go to bed right away, not waste time surfing. I did, and later told him so. We bought some chocolate and I wanted a taste before dinner, but I decided to ask him if I could. It feels weird to do that, also to him, I think, but he swallowed any discomfort and simply said “no”. No more was said. (Well, maybe I made a face… but I didn’t push.) He has a thing with my eating chocolate/sweets when I’m getting hungry right before mealtime, and then not being hungry for healthy food. I can’t fault his logic, but it’s a long-standing bad habit of mine.

Yesterday morning, I made a breakfast that I didn’t eat (put too much honey on it- yuck) and then we were running out the door (him to work, me to do some work prep of my own) and I had no time to eat anything else (my own fault and lack of time-management). I grabbed the aforementioned chocolate to put in my pocket as a snack for later. Of course, I ate most of it over the course of the morning. When we met up after his work for lunch he was hungry and I gave him the last couple of squares. He looks at me and says “This is all that’s left?” I gave him a “what’s your point?” look to which he replied “It’s just a lot of chocolate to have eaten right before lunch.” And he was right, of course. I just fell back into my bad habits. In giving him the last chocolate squares, I wasn’t trying to “get caught”, I was just being generous (believe me, giving away the last of my chocolate IS generous for me!) I wasn’t trying to provoke a punishment (at least, I don’t think I was.) He reads very little online about ttwd, but one thing he’s very clear on: the whole concept of bratting turns him off a lot. I, too, acknowledge that bratting is not really a healthy way to enter a real D/s or DD relationship (please excuse the fact that I can’t really define ours yet!) So I don’t think it was a conscious attempt to provoke a reaction from him, in any case. But I also find myself in the same predicament I’ve read about many times: I crave his dominance. I like to feel limits. Imposed by HIM. I’m not going to judge myself anymore on that- I am very successful and I got that way because I am highly-functioning, driven, determined, ambitious and hard-working. I’m not any worse than the average adult in managing my own life, and probably better than many. But I do have my flaws and faults. And I want his help with those. And we’re so well matched, because my flaws are in areas where he shines. And likewise, I can help him with his challenges (not through DD, obviously, but in  other ways we both like.) But back to the dilemma: how do any of us know the limits until we feel them? We test limits- it’s the only way to find out what they are. If he’s going to take more control, going to involve himself in my life, I want to feel it. I don’t want it to just be a concept that he might enact from time to time. I don’t even think I’m craving punishment/spanking from him, not really. I don’t think either of us would like that very much, not for real. It would mean I’d done something stupid, showed a lack of self-discipline for something obvious… or ignored something that he said was important to him. And that’s not good for our relationship. And I sense that he really wouldn’t like it either. Let’s face it: if it were real, not role-play, then it would be the consequence of something negative, and that’s not fun. But aren’t there ways for him to show me his involvement, his limits, without going us that far? Like the chocolate thing: maybe punishing me would be unnecessary, but he could have gone a step further and said “No more. You know better than to eat junk before meals and you know I hate it when you do that. You’re not to do that anymore and I’m going to be checking up on you.” That would be so great. That would help me.

Well, this post is getting long. I feel I could go on forever, but I think I’m going to have to learn to break up my thoughts better, and use different posts…

Thanks for reading!

I got a comment! And had a great talk with my guy!

I got my first comment (thanks Bonnie!) and it’s inspired me to write a new post! And starting my own blog has inspired me to comment on some others’ blogs. I like this… I realize I was a HUGE lurker, and it’s lonely being a lurker!!

In the months following my admission about my kink, spanking and everything about it was FUN. Exploring it was fun, discussing it was fun, asking and answering questions about it was all positive and fun. For the past year, though, it has morphed into something very different. When we’re together, the actual physical act is still fun. We both genuinely enjoy it and it’s a turn-on for us both. (And I don’t have to take his word for it, I can, um, see, that this is the case!) It’s usually just erotic, though we have dabbled in role-play, stress-relief and a few “real” (were they?) punishments for a few things. That’s still very much up in the air, but the overall feeling of spanking when we were together was (and still is) GOOD!

But we’re long-distance most of the time. So it’s not very often that we get to partake in the physical act. And for me, talking about it used to meet that need. Until talking about it became so negative. Common points rehashed over and over:

-it feels imbalanced to always talk about “my thing”. Even though he doesn’t have a “thing” of his own to which we could devote an equivalent amount of time.

-he feels like “it’s a club which he will never get into because he doesn’t understand it.” (wasn’t born with these desires)

-if I try to talk about what I want, what turns me on, or try to help him be a member of the “club” by explaining, he gets overwhelmed and defensive: he “feels like he has to live up to a fantasy in my head” (no! but fantasies are all I’ve had til now, so I’m sharing them as a way of being open) and “why should it be all about what I want?” (Of course, it shouldn’t and I never said it should… but I can only talk about me and he has to talk about his wants.)

Anyway, I’m sure there are more, but the change is clear- talking about ttwd, even if it starts out as something sexy, quickly devolves into the same old rehashing.

But last night! Ah. Last night. We pushed through. We rehashed and then we pushed through, and I risked a defensive reaction from him (and he agreed to try to be less sensitive) and we made some progress!

I went on to say, again (but it had been a while) that I miss his dominance- I like it, in more than just the bedroom. I was open and honest. He responded thusly:

“Well, my first thought is that when I do tell you what to do, many times you argue and don’t listen. Let’s face it: you’re a freethinking person. I’m not going to pretend that’s not so. But you’re also stubborn (I am??? I really don’t see myself this way!), and you don’t take suggestions well sometimes. (Apparently I DO have things to work on. Is it weird that that seems like good news to this girl who thinks of herself as a goody two-shoes?!) I’ve tried to tell you this or that and you’ve balked, etc. Now maybe that’s me, maybe it’s I who have to be harder, stronger. Maybe in the end it’s not my way, maybe what makes me uncomfortable so often when we get into these areas is that it’s just too much of a stretch for me.”

Ouch. Not what one wants to hear, right? But I know my man and I knew he wasn’t saying no- he was just talking, exploring, and that was good. (Btw: he doesn’t know about this blog. I hesitate to quote him here- I don’t want to betray his trust, but it’s only a snippet of our conversation, and no identities are revealed, so… I hope I made the right call). In the end, it turns out he does want to be that man for me. He likes the way it feels for him too, but is scared (me too!) of what it might unleash… and we both know it might be rocky. We couldn’t finish the conversation last night- we’ve learned from past mistakes that talking about heavy stuff when we’re tired is bad news. But before we finished, I said:

“So there’s the very real possibility that  you will decide any kind of dominance/leadership stuff, outside of the sexual arena, is not for you, not comfortable and we won’t do it. But, if we don’t discard the idea yet, if we think it might still be possible…”

He said: “it is”

“…then i know that i have to change. People on all my blogs (!) say one has to change first. Show that you want and will accept some dminance.”

Well, it turns out that was the RIGHT thing to say! Suddenly, he felt very differently about it and I realize he thought it all had to come from him. HE had to come meet me all the way over on my side, rather than us meeting in the middle. Suddenly this is feeling a lot more balanced and appealing. Phew. Nice. Happy. Positive.

I can’t write anymore now, but I’m looking forward to finishing our discussion tonight or tomorrow. Will keep you posted!